Confessions of a Bitter Person

I've been holding on to a lot of pain, harbouring so much anger and bitterness that now I feel like I'm poisoning myself. I feel choked and suffocated, all the clean fresh air has been sucked out of my life and replaced with this dark, painful atmosphere. It all stems down to a situation that was never confronted; a wrong that was never righted. I've been battling myself, trying to prepare myself for the great confrontation but the more I think about it, the harder it gets. I can't seem to let it go. 

Yet, there's a voice inside me telling me to cast my burdens unto Jesus (1 Peter 5:7), then another voice tells me that this is something I must take care of myself. My mess, my responsibility. However, I know what I must do, but doing the right thing isn't always easy. Today I've declared that I'm going to start the journey towards forgiveness. If I don't forgive, I won't forget. And if I don't forget, I'll never heal. So, if there's anybody out there suffering from anger, pain or whatever negative emotion, I urge you to let it go. Join me on a journey to setting ourselves free from the entrapment of dark emotions. It doesn't happen overnight or over a few days. It takes time. It could take months or maybe even years for us to get past it all, but we gotta let it go and carry on living a happy and healthy life. Don't beat yourself up over what other people did to you, because that battle is not yours. What goes around comes around and they will get what's coming to them. They may seem happy on the outside (just the same way you pretend to always be happy on the outside) but deep inside they could be reaping what they sowed. 

You feel like you've been knocked down to your knees, but believe me that's the best place to be in prayer. If need be, SHOUT it out, scream out LOUD, cry your eyeballs out until they are red and your nose is runny. But promise yourself that at the end of the day, you shall wipe those tears, blow your nose and clean yourself up. You've got to pick yourself up. You've got pick up the pieces and carry on. You've got to be resilient! Because when you hold on to anger, it is you who feels the pain. You constantly think of that person or that situation, and that depresses you even more. Therefore, your anger deepens. You lose yourself somewhere along the way and sometimes you feel like you've gone too far off the course to turn back. But it's never too late; you're never too far to go back to who you are destined to be. Let it go!

Facing Challenges

This year I vowed that I'm going to try my best to try something new every now and again, live a little and "expand my horizons". Having spent the past 20 years of my life living the average life with little to no excitement, climbing Kilimanjaro was a huge stepping stone (quite literally too) in my life. One reason why I took up this challenge (besides charity), is to open my eyes to my own capabilities. The day that idea was conceived was the beginning of a chain of events that have led me to where I am today. By far, I'm not yet where I want to be, but I'm not where I used to be this time last year - confused about what I really want in life, fresh out of high school and living on my own for the first time with a full-time job that required me to become a responsible adult.

I have a passion for art, writing, singing and fashion, more so art and writing than fashion but nonetheless, these are my passions. In this world full of talented people working hard trying to realise their dreams, sometimes you feel too small to begin anything. You feel as if if you have no connections in the big world, you can't make it. Which is true in some cases. So you end up sitting on your talents because it's too challenging to pursue your dreams. Facing challenges can help to build you or break you, but I think it comes down to you and how much you want it to work. Earlier today I was reading an article about the interview between Oprah and Tyler Perry. Tyler opens up to Oprah about his past, his challenges, having to be rejected and disappointed 8 years straight while trying to produce his first play after investing all his savings into it, being abused and using his anger and past as a motivation to do better for himself. For 8 years he was a nobody, but what appealed to me the most about that interview is when he said that dreams don't die; people just give up. Sometimes it is a choice you make to remain "a nobody" or to become somebody. Don't give up.

That being said, I've promised myself that I'm going to work hard to realise my dreams, finish writing my first novel, finish designing my first piece and finish writing (and maybe even producing) my first song. Because each challenge has to start somewhere. Once one thing has passed, it will be challenging to carry on, but at least it's one giant step towards my dreams. If I sit there all day watching TV or reading a novel or listening to music, dreaming of the day when my own material will be published, that dream would just rot and never come to fruition. I'd lose that talent sooner or later, while watching others live to see their dreams realised. I don't want that, so that's my challenge for the month. What's yours?

Enjoy the rest of your day x

Self-fulfilling Prophecy vs. Self Sabotage

"You're stupid!"

"You can't do it"

"You're too weak"

"You are good for nothing!"

These are just some of the phrases many people (if not all) encounter in their lifetime, whether at home from their parents, with friends or out in the Big Scary World. The most obvious reaction to such horrific words and diminishing behaviour is to feel worthless indeed; to feel like a failure. One ends up not putting in any effort at all because they know that everybody is expecting the worst of them. That is what some would refer to as a self-fulfilling prophecy. However, I beg to differ.

I'm no psychologist at all, all my words are based on the study of Communication and Culture in high school and also some cases I witnessed first hand. That being said, my analysis is based on a small scale and mainly personal opinion, so I declare in advance that this may not be true for your case. Let me argue my case against my own opinion to begin with. The thing is, one can argue that no matter how much we deny it or how much we feel otherwise, we live in a very controlling world. There is no complete freedom. You can express yourself but only if it doesn't offend someone else (and it does, all the time). You can say whatever you want just not this particular thing or the other. Even those "rebels" who do not like to "follow the crowd" aren't completely free either; they have to obey the laws and a part of their being is still attached to mainstream society. The words and opinions of others greatly influences our behaviour, whether we like it, realise it or not. So what people define you as, you become that. That is very true - in some cases. Now, my argument is that, although the previous statement may be correct in many cases in everybody's life, no matter how much society can influence you, you still have a choice. Your mind is so adamant that it can help you to have that determination to prove people wrong. That's your ego right there. That is why rebels rebel in the first place - to try and remove themselves from the clutches of this "malicious" and controlling world. So when I see people letting go of their dreams, I just can't help but think that they are sabotaging their own success. Success doesn't happen overnight; neither does it always occur at first trial. Many people have had to keep trying and be turned down before they reached their goals and beyond. They often heard, "Sorry, you're not good enough", or "Sorry, you can't do it" and many other negative comments that may have belittled them and made them think less of themselves. However, a true winner knows that you gotta get up and try again and again and again. You will fall, but you must be resilient. You will lose, but you must try again next time. (Read the biographies of Walt Disney, Oprah Winfrey and Albert Einstein for references)

I know a person who is capable of greatness. When I see this person, I see determination and passion over what they do, I see a dream so beautiful they cannot wait to see it come to fruition. But when I look a second or two longer, I see fear and self doubt, possibly generated from outside influence. They've got the potential and all, but they keep listening to the voices. After a while, though, I start wondering, is the voice coming from other people or is it a seed of negativity planted within them by other people's comments, which germinated into this thorny bush, making sure that each time their heart thumps with a great idea, it gets pricked and hurt and retreats back to its shell and the dream gets buried in the back of their mind along with countless other projects dumped mid-process. It makes me so sad that indeed sometimes I am one of those people; sabotaging my own progress for fear of failure and because of people telling me I can't do it. I let myself down the moment I let myself believe that I can't do it without even trying. That is why I call is self-sabotage. You see, people may call you stupid, they may call you a failure or a liability to society and you believe it and your mind believes it so it limits its abilities, but you shouldn't do that! You should not sabotage your own success and claim you're not meant for it. Perhaps your family has never succeeded before in that field (or any venture for that matter), but there's a first time for everything. You could be the one to break that cycle. You tell yourself your family was doomed to fail, yet you haven't even tried, for crying out loud! How will you know? You've failed once or twice and then gave up? And then you boldly say that it was your dream? If it was your dream indeed, you would get up and keep trying til the end of time, because that is what you're passionate about. Stop making excuses and start making it.