What I Know Now that I Wish I Knew Then (Freshers' Tips)

I remember when I first started preparing for university. Not a day went by without me fussing about getting one thing or the other, panicking about everything and worrying if I'll make good friends and all sorts. In retrospect, I was worrying too much about nothing. Everyone was a fresher, and the majority actually knew nobody at all (from home or Facebook). Here's what I think got me through it all:

From the freshers page, find friends or potential friends that you can talk to. Interact with other freshers (ones that you actually think you can get on with once you arrive at uni) and find out who's on your course, in your flat, in a society you're interested in etc. However, not everyone you speak to online will remain your friend once uni starts as some people are different in person from their online self! But don't worry, it's the odd friends who get on more. Also, don't lose touch with your old friends once you've got new ones at uni! Those are also your friends for life. Once you get to uni, don't just limit yourself to your flatmates or the old friends from home, or the ones you made on Facebook from the freshers page. Spread your wings wider and get to know more people - I wish I'd done that because we don't necessarily have to be BFFs but it's nice to know a few people that you can hang with if your closest friends aren't around. Make friends on your course as well!!! This is super important because yes actually, beside the freshers raves and the fun, there are lectures and despite what everyone told you, first year DOES count. You'll need these friends for your assignments and help with class work in case you don't quite understand it. You might probably find yourself spending more time with them in second and third year and when the workload gets tougher, but that's another story for another day. Go to other unis too, travel a bit but be wise about it (costs and missing vital lectures). 

When it comes to Shopping for groceries and stuff, I went to Costco. My mum gave me a hefty sum that I'm too embarrassed to say out loud as I used it all at once in Costco. I bought loads of pasta and rice (which I regret because I never finished any of it even til the end of the year). So here's my tip:
Check expiration dates on everything that you're buying in bulk so as not to end up with a pack of ten pasta packets that you can't consume anymore. Also, bear in mind that the uni year amounts to seven months in total, and in between you'll probably go home, eat at your friend's, eat out etc. Don't limit your lifestyle too much by pre-planning too much to detail. Leave room to live a little and try something different! I ended up buying salads and vegetables daily as I was afraid of piling on weight, but I'm glad I had the pasta and rice as I could cook for my friends at my flat. 

Budgeting: Now you've probably only heard this word from your parents or student finance when they're trying to convince you that the little amount they're giving you can be stretched all through first year (rolls eyes). It's different for everybody, budgeting, because it depends on taste, lifestyle etc. But as a student, you'll find yourself on a much tighter budget unless you're one of those kids with a trust fund, scholarship or wealthy parents. Always put money aside for food and rent FIRST before budgeting for anything else. Trust me, nothing ruins your day/week/month or even your year more than having an empty stomach and an empty fridge. You may not wanna gain weight, but you don't wanna be desperately hungry that you become stick thin or beg off of your friends. Plan! (Side note- I've got another post coming soon on the best places to buy certain things cheaper to help you budget, plus easy to cook recipes for those who've never been anywhere near the stove except maybe to smell mum's cooking). 

Final tip: always smile and look approachable. I'm an ambivert, but unfortunately my introvert side dominated a lot during freshers week, and come second term, one person was "brave enough" to come tell me that I intimidated them before they spoke to me and got to know me better. Apparently this was because I was almost always very quiet (but not in a timid way) - more in a "don't talk to me" way. Apparently. From that day on, I wore my smile more and approached people instead of waiting to be approached. That's the best way to make friends. Be more interested in them rather than trying to make them interested in you. Trust me, you'll get to know some really cool and interesting people that way. Also, just try to be yourself. The right people for you will just come into your life without the need to change yourself into somebody that you're not. If you're a gap year student, you may use your adventures as an ice breaker, but don't let that be the only thing you ever talk about! There's only so many times one can bear hearing about how you got stung by a spider from a toilet seat in Australia after being chased by a kangaroo in the middle of nowhere.

And my final FINAL tip: HAVE FUN! Uni will be the most pivotal 3/4 years to shape the rest of your life. Your time here will create a path and map your future, positively or negatively. It's all up to you! 

Welcome to uni! 
xox

PS: check out my cooking instagram page @chef_shanners
and YouTube Channel here

Of Pencils, Vin Rouge and an inspired Imagination

Sat on the floor next to a glass of red wine at 2pm like it's normal, pencil in hand, sketch book on my lap, an image of a cuddling couple slowing taking shape on the hard piece of cream paper in my sketchbook. It's a beautiful, sunny day! As I sit here I recollect the events of this day that have led to this moment - waking up at 9am like I've got no chores to do (well, I don't. I'm on my own in a six bed flat on campus in the middle of nowhere) The only company I have is my teddy bear, which I proceed to kiss on the forehead like it's my baby. Yes, I'm THAT girl. I stretch and yawn and roll over to face the room, a nice, well-lived space with bits and bobs out of place. I'm not a clean freak, but it isn't untidy either. I reach over for my phone and see several notifications flashing on the screen, but only one catches my eye. With an automatic smile on my face, I unlock the phone and read the message. I'm quite happy to wake up to a beautiful message tailored especially for me, because I'm no ordinary girl, I'm different, and the things that make me smile are different to the next girl's favourites. Waking up to cute texts is the best thing in the world. Immediately, I knew I'd have a good day. 

As I lay in bed thinking of what to do with myself, an idea popped into my head from one of the many boxes in my mind where I keep my reminders. I decided to sketch. With so much energy and enthusiasm, i got out of bed and grabbed the huge box where I keep all my art things - paints, paint brushes, pencils, and even a picture frame amongst other items. I spread my pink fleece blanket on the boring brown carpet that I've grown to love as it hides the red wine stains from the countless times I've knocked my glass over, looked for some relaxing music to keep me motivated and made myself comfortable. At the very last minute, I looked over to my study desk and spotted the bottle of red wine one of my friends had so generously given me the night before to apologise for being late for dinner.

Quickly, I looked around for a wine glass, only to realise everything was in the kitchen (where it belongs). The idea of having to put some proper clothes on to venture to the kitchen really bothered me for a minute, then I remembered I had the flat all to myself. Like a naughty child, I excitedly tip-toed to the door, slowly opened it carefully as if there's anybody out there who could hear me. I looked around, just in case the housekeeper was around, then ran across the hall to the kitchen! I grabbed a wine glass and sped back to my room, poured myself a glass, took one sip and relaxed. Now, here I am, still on the floor with 3 sketches staring at me. I'm going to take my time with these... 

30 Day Lean Me: More than a diet (Progress Report)

Why do I set myself challenges? Because I want to train myself to be more focused, to work hard to achieve all my goals. I'm hungry for that victory at the end of the road, therefore my mind, body and soul needs to be disciplined to work in alliance with my spirit to reach greater heights. It starts off with simple things like setting tasks for the day and seeing them through. A lot of people said I'm too serious for my age, but if not now, when? When my body is now molded into a certain routine that will be difficult to change? When my mind has deteriorated from bingeing on mindless TV? When I'm 40 and starting to realise that with each passing day, I'm not a child anymore and I'm edging closer to the expiration date of my dreams? I don't wanna wake up at 70 and start wishing I'd put in more work for my future, feeling weary about leaving the earth with a heavy soul - heavy because I'm still carrying all the things that I was meant to deliver to the world but was too blind/ too selfish or too lazy to do? No. I wish to leave a mark, even if it's only in a few people, but it has to be done. And it starts with self discipline, which brings me back to my challenges. Mediocrity is not for me, the comfort zone is where I won't be a permanent resident. I shall aim higher, and it all starts with self discipline! 

For a month, I'd been doing a clean eating and exercise routine after I weighed myself and found that my body fat was at 34%, which is extremely poor. On the outside, one wouldn't really think I'm overweight and potentially damaging my body with unhealthy eating habits. So I embarked on a journey to a healthier me, starting with a month of good food and a set exercise routine. Here are the things I learnt from the challenge:

Pros:

Having a routine helped me get up earlier than usual in order to start my day. I managed to structure my days and plan meals in advance most times in order to make the most of each day. As a result, I've definitely become more productive and manage my time better.

The clean eating has helped to improve my skin and I now have a very noticeable glow and my skin feels great! Obviously, this has been an on going thing since I drink a lot of water, exfoliate my skin regularly etc, but the change in diet definitely played a part in this too.

I've had to learn more ways to make food more interesting. When it comes to food, my love knows no bounds. I absolutely love food and experiment with different ingredient combinations was one of the things I enjoyed the most about the challenge.

Finally, I've become more disciplined when it comes to being able to say no! It's funny that we don't really think about it, but the small habits we have have the potential to shape our behaviour. By taking that extra cupcake, by succumbing to cravings, we train our minds to "allow" certain things in our lives which we normally shouldn't find acceptable. Next thing you know, you drink an extra glass of wine and get arrested for DUI. Ok, so perhaps that's a bit extreme, but you know what they say, "Watch your habits, they become character."

Cons:

I tend to be hard on myself a lot in the sense that I push myself to the absolute limits! In a way, it's a good thing because I test myself to see what I'm capable of and what I'm not, rather than sitting back and not even attempt it. However, I noticed I didn't even give myself a break on my workouts, and they got even more and more intense. Keeping up became hard and I had to split them up throughout the day instead of doing it all in one go. On top of that, I'd go to the gym and work out at night, which really started to take a toll on me as time went on.

I couldn't have chosen a worse time to begin the challenge as it was exam season which made it extremely difficult to spare time to go to the gym in the evenings. However, it was all about taking that first step i guess, which was the most important part.

Some days my imagination wasn't great so I ran out of creative ways to make my food. I also got obsessed with particular foods, and although they're healthy anyway, obsessing over things won't help me much in being a more disciplined self.

Now for the results, here are the results and I must say I'm not too surprised as a month wouldn't have made a huge difference under my circumstances, but I'm definitely taken aback by the weight gain. Considering body fat has fallen, I'm assuming (and keeping my fingers crossed that I'm correct), that my body weight has increased because I've gained more muscle. So what I'm going to do now is to carry on with the clean eating side of things, but do insanity workouts instead as they are more structured by a professional who really knows what works better than what. I'll give another update at the end of the month or beginning of July, then another one right before I fly off to Tanzania end of July. Now it's all about pressing on and seeing how far I can go and how much more body fat I can lose! To those who joined me on the challenge, keep at it and don't just stop because the 30 days ended!

ciao

xxx

Brown-Skinned Man

Brown-skinned, beautiful brown-skinned man
Soft, smooth skin and strong dentures that can chew up bones to the marrow. 
Head strong, accommodating a sharp brain that invents and adapts with time
Hands well built like the ancient castles, the Great Zimbabwe 
The blood in his veins carries life, hard work, fruitfulness and plenty of goodness
His body withstands any weather, come rain or storm

But alas, his skin is not so beautiful,
For it turns him into a human target for savages' ferocious and relentless attacks
What good are his dentures when they are sprawled all over the place in pools of blood, 
Blood that carried so much promise but now means little as it seeps into the ground
That strong head? Broken. Brain scattered all over the place and I wish I meant that metaphorically
What good are his hands when they're tied up behind his back
Or his body when he's restrained and pounced upon like vultures picking out a carcass. 
His body can withstand the weather, but not the lashings of a neighbour turned villain
Where is my superman, children cry,
My superman has fallen, lying in a pool of his own blood while the villain licks his machete like the demented, cold-hearted murderer he is

Do you not realise that by persecuting your neighbour, you're handicapping yourself?
Do you not know that you are punching your own body, cutting your nose to spite your face?
Don't you hear the cries of my beautiful brown skinned man when you carry on burning him alive, because I certainly do, from thousands of miles away
And my tears could flow into a river if they found a way
Like parts of a tree, we need each other,
Love is the trunk and we are the branches, without love, we dry out and die. "One love, one heart - let's get together and feel alright".

30 Day Lean Me: Days 7-13

With exams and revision taking up my time, I barely have time to type up updates on my blog, but I definitely am keeping up with my workouts and clean eating. In this case, I've decided to post weekly rather than every three days in order to focus more on my revision. Now my workouts are getting more and more intense, and with 9am exams which are 3 hours long, some days I've had to work out early morning when I wake up, around 5.30am. This exam season is a blessing in disguise, despite how much I hate waking up in the morning! It's helped me to be more disciplined and my body is getting accustomed to waking up early.

Day 7:

I did my workouts first thing in the morning, had a glass of hot lemon water and then a bowl of cereal. 

granola, spinach and pepper omelette, baked sweet potato and beef livers

Day 8 I had left over livers from the previous night's dinner for lunch, with bread with hummus spread. Dinner was a lazy one, salad with grilled yellow pepper dressing and chicken wings from Nandos.

granola, livers, bread and hummus, and salad with chicken wings

Day 9 went perfectly well. I had granola again for breakfast, beans on toast for lunch and pork chop with half a jacket potato and sauteed vegetables. My morning workout went well and my body could feel the pain as intensity is increasing.

Day 10 was a day to be proud of. My gym partner had been home all this time, and I hated going to the gym on my own, therefore whenever she wasn't around I simply wouldn't go to the gym. This time, however, I remembered why I'm doing this - for me. Therefore that means with a partner or not, I should go to the gym. I was well sweaty and sticky afterwards, and I felt proud of myself! I ate pretty well as well during the day and I spent most of the day studying! For dinner I simply had left overs from the previous night, and I snacked on pistachios.

Day 11 I woke up, did my workout which has now increased in intensity as well, and prepared for the day. I had breakfast and prepared a packed lunch as I was going to spend the whole day in the library. I was disappointed with how the day ended as I was too hungry to return to my flat to cook, so I ordered food in one of the restaurants on campus. Although very yummy, it isn't healthy at all. I had chicken wings and a bit of fries! However, I was to make up for that the following day.

Day 12 I woke up around 6am for my 9am exam, did some revision and never got the chance to do my workout. I did after the exam during the afternoon, as I felt that it's better late than never and consistency is what will help me achieve my fitness goals. I had a quick breakfast of yoghurt and a raw fruit bar. Dinner was inspired by Ivy Mango Chatora, my kitchen role model as I like to call her. If I'm being honest, I got the inspiration to be even more creative with food from her and I absolutely love her works!

wholemeal toast, baked beans, egg and mushroom - the perfect post exam lunch!
Baked sweet potato wedges, grilled fish on a bed of vegetables (carrots, asparagus, peppers and onion)

Day 13 I had another exam at 9am (all my exams are at 9am) and once again, I didn't do my workout until after. It really is very hard now but I can't give up! I'm on a roll! I snack throughout the day to curb hunger and improve my metabolism, and I hope it doesn't just stop at 30 days!

raw fruit and nut bar, yoghurt, wholemeal toast with beans and eggs, and tuna-beans balls with sweet potato wedges and sauteed spinach with chick peas.

That's all for now, until next week xoxo

30 Day Lean Me: Days 4-6

Getting fit is no easy task, that's for sure. Plunging in to a journey head-first without mentally preparing yourself will deter your success, so will setting unrealistic goals. The key to achieving any goal is consistency in everything you do to work towards that goal. That being said, I'd like to share that I had my doubts on day 5 when the intensity of the morning routine increased, and I looked with dread at days 21 on-wards when it will get even worse. I used to set myself goals (fitness goals), but rarely stuck to them and rarely saw them through. I'm happy to say that's a thing of the past and I'm even more disciplined now than I was then. Having goals that you can actually visualise (comparing myself now to myself early last year when I had a healthier lifestyle) is such an encouragement. I've removed myself from situations that tempt me to go off my clean-eating, and even as I go to work, I'm not tempted to order creamy mash or chips with my food but head straight for that salad without batting my eyelids! I can't explain how liberating that feels! One needs to discipline one's body before it rules them. I do not wish to be one of those people who end up being unable to focus or control themselves, because self-control begins with even the smallest things like not pressing the snooze button on your alarm each morning (I'm still working on that), not procrastinating (still working on it), and another important thing this journey is teaching me is to plan ahead! I plan my meals ahead and have to schedule my day to accommodate exercising time. This will hopefully become habitual at the end of the journey, which is exactly what I will need for the forthcoming academic years.

Day 4:

I did all my workouts and my muscles were starting to ache a little bit. Below are my meals:

Breakfast - granola with semi skimmed milk and banana

Lunch: wholemeal toast with baked beans and freshly made strawberry and banana smoothie

Dinner: Grilled chicken thighs with avocado and pineapple

Day 5:

The workouts were intense today and I killed myself in the gym some more!

Breakfast: Fruit salad (apple, tangerine, strawberries, grapes) with strawberry yoghurt

Lunch: two boiled eggs, carrot sticks and baked beans

mid-afternoon snack - home made hummus spread on a slice of toast

Time spent on a cross trainer

Time spent on treadmill. Calories counted 15 minutes in, therefore inaccurate

Working a sweat

                                          

Dinner: roast pork ribs, broccoli and sauteed aubergine, mushroom, onion, peppers and garlic

Day 6:

Woke up with achey muscles after last night's gym session! Did my morning workout, wincing throughout but it worked out well.

Breakfast: Fruit salad with cherry yoghurt

Lunch: wholemeal toast with baked beans and my first attempt at poached egg

Mid afternoon snack: hummus with peri peri drizzle and an avocado

Dinner: left over pork ribs, aubergine, mushroom, peppers, onion, garlic, and baked sweet potato wedges

Midnight snack (raw cocoa, dates and nuts bar) in the library while I studied

I'm quite pleased with my progress the past three days. The first three were disappointing on my part, but I worked hard to rectify that! Hopefully, the show goes on and I get better and better!

30 Day Lean Me: Days 1-3

Day 1:

Today is the beginning of what shall hopefully be a lifestyle thing! That summer body won't come while I sit on my butt doing nothing, so I motivated myself to get out of bed this morning and did my workout. My current body mass and body fat are very poor, therefore I feel the need to do something about it.

Weighed in at Boots

First, I stretched to avoid achey muscles, and then I did the first round of squats, sit ups and lunges. My body was still slightly stiff from sleep, therefore it took me a few seconds longer to complete than the second round when I breezed through it since my body muscles were well stretched out.

Afterwards, I took a slice of lemon and put it in a mug with hot water, then I drank it all. I had 500ml of water, took a shower and then had breakfast. For breakfast, I had granola in semi-skimmed milk with raisins and banana. It was actually very yummy and filling.

To start off the day...

For lunch, I made baked jacket potato with baked beans and broccoli. I didn't get a chance to do the optional afternoon workout as I had to go to work, however.

Lunch...

For dinner I had a large mixed leaf salad with cherry tomatoes and cucumber, dressed in char-grilled yellow pepper dressing, and a quarter chicken. I spent hours on my feet moving up and down that by the time I got back to my flat, I just collapsed in bed from exhaustion.

Dinner

Overall, day 1 was a good start. The more I keep it up, the easier it will all be.

***************************

Day 2:

 Today I woke up quite early to travel to Hendon for a training weekend. I had a quick moment to do my morning work out:10 sumo squats (squating with legs wide apart), 10 sit ups with raised knees, 10 lunges (hold lunge for 5 seconds) and repeated it all. After my shower, I had granola again but only with raisins this time.

Breakfast

The rest of the day was a shambles to say the least! Firstly, although I brought my fruit along for lunch and snacking (grapges, banana and apple), I was so hungry by the time I got to Hendon, and luckily it was lunchtime. I had an egg and cress sandwich on wholewheat bread, which was a better option to BLT or bacon and chicken! I had plenty of water throughout the day to keep any hunger at bay. Dinner time we were taken to a pub where I ordered a steak with peas and fries *covers face*, and to make it worse, I succumbed to temptation and had dessert! Quite a disappointing day overall, but tomorrow will be better!

***************************

Day 3:

For breakfast, I went to a small restaurant and ordered vegetarian sausages with eggs, mushroom, hash brown and baked beans to go. It's not entirely healthy, but the alternative was bacon and that was out of the question!

Quick brekkie

For lunch I had yet another egg and cress sandwich and orange juice. I also snacked on a banana, and drank loads of water. I then travelled back to Colchester and made myself dinner! I had an oven grilled fish seasoned with salt, garlic, lemon and lemon grass. I served it with two tablespoons of mash, sauteed asparagus with mushrooms and garlic. It was a really light, yummy meal which I thoroughly enjoyed! I did 20 minutes of P90X and then got ready for bed. 

Dinner...

Overall, this weekend has been somewhat disappointing, but I'm glad I began, therefore tomorrow I'll make sure I remain consistent. 3 days down, 27 to go!

30 Day Lean-Me Challenge

With summer just around the corner, everyone is rushing to get that "summer body" and others are aiming to make a toned-gym-body a lifestyle thing (raises hand). Whatever the reason, many people are looking to become fitter and maybe look better in that new bodycon dress without the unwanted interruption of rolls, you know what I'm talking about, ladies! Just yesterday when I was at work, it was busy therefore I was sweating. I felt the skin on my tummy sticking together (because I've developed rolls) for the first time in years, and that totally freaked me out! The one month that I've been at home I was pigging out and didn't see the inside of a gym except on TV shows! Now I have to pay the price!

This will be my new best friend...

That being said, I want to start yet another diet challenge for which being in a gym isn't a main requirement. This shall commence on the 1st of May. Each day, I will add another set of exercises or increase intensity for effectiveness. I will still go to the gym as normal. Being fit is necessary especially for students like me because it helps me to be more focused and feel better about life. Generally, when I work out I'm more energised and positive about a lot of things, which will be reflected in the way I carry out my tasks effectively. Working out will be incorporated with clean eating, so that means no junk food for the whole time, and avoid fried food at all costs. I shall also consume less refined carbs and try very hard to keep eating clean. Recipes will be posted on my Food Blog (link here) and progress will be tracked here and on instagram. Below is the plan:

Day 1 (May 1st) - 

Morning - 10 squats, 10 sit ups, 10 lunges (hold lunge for 5 seconds) and repeat once (therefore 20 squats altogether, etc)

Afternoon - (optional) aerobic exercises in the gym for 30 minutes

Night - 15 minute jog OR P90X

Day 2 - 

Morning - 10 sumo squats (squating with legs wide apart), 10 sit ups with raised knees, 10 lunges (hold lunge for 5 seconds) and repeat once (therefore 20 squats altogether, etc)

Afternoon - optional 30 minute aerobic exercises

Night - 15 minute jog OR P90X

Day 3 - 

Morning - 10 squats, 10 sit ups, 10 lunges (hold lunge for 5 seconds) and repeat twice (therefore 30 squats altogether, etc)

Afternoon - optional 30 minute aerobics

Night - 20 minute jog OR P90X

Day 4 - 

Morning - 10 jumping squats, 10 sit ups, 10 star jumps, 10 lunges (hold lunge for 5 seconds), repeat twice (therefore 30 squats altogether, etc)

Afternoon - optional 30 minute aerobic exercises

Night - 20 minute jog OR P90X

Day 5 - 

Morning - 10 jumping squats, 10 sit ups, 10 star jumps, 10 lunges (hold lunge for 5 seconds), repeat three times (therefore 40 squats altogether, etc)

Afternoon - optional 45 minute aerobic workout

Night - 20 minute jog OR P90X

For days 6-10, repeat the sequences from days 1-5

For days 11-15, repeat the sequences from days 1 -5 but double the reps (i.e. 20 squats per rep, etc)

For days 16-20, repeat the sequences from days 11-15

For days 21-25, repeat sequences from days 1-5, but increase reps to 30 (i.e. 30 squats)

For days 26-30, repeat sequences from days 21-25

*** NOTE ***

***DON'T FORGET TO STRETCH before and after working out to avoid sore and achey muscles! Those will definitely set you back*** 
During this period, make sure you eat clean and keep a food diary. This will help you keep track of what you've already eaten. Try not to get too obsessed with counting calories and all that nonsense, our body still needs energy to function. Also, cut off alcohol completely, 30 days won't be much compared to years of a beer-paunch! With increased intensity of work out, try to increase your protein intake as well and make sure it varies (beans, seafood, meat etc), and also increase carbs slightly, opting for healthier foods like sweet potatoes and butternut squash. Get creative with food, check my food blog and food instagram for inspiration because having the same food daily becomes tedious! We want this to be a fun way of losing weight and toning up for bikinis! (yay). If you join me, let me know how you're getting on and we can swap meal ideas and stuff!

xoxo

Your First Heartbreak

The truth of the matter is that you will never see it coming, you will never expect it. When it happens, you'd probably have been thinking you were doing fine. You'd probably have spent months on end being happy, indulging in retail therapy and the ritual ice cream tub and chick flick movie nights to "heal" and move on. 

But the real heart break will hit you when you least expect it. At a time when you think you've let it all go and you're free from the memories. Everything will come flooding back in just one unfortunate moment, the scents you had come to love, the music you played, even the colours you loved during your time of love. You'll even start dreaming about it and reliving each moment in some torturous walk down memory lane. To put it bluntly, it will hurt like frok. 

It will be like walking on hot charcoals with pointy nails sticking out of them. Each step will hurt and bruise and sting. You will shed fresh tears, and these will also be painful to release. You will be broken to tiny little pieces to the point where you start to question life itself, your purpose on earth and also if you'll ever get over it. Everything will be dark and gloomy, and you will love the cold, dark and stormy days when you can lock yourself away from everyone and stuff your face off or starve yourself thin. Then while you're in the midst of that chaotic nervous breakdown, somebody usually comes along, accidentally changing your story. They will help rebuild you, pick up all the pieces for you and repair them like a potter repairing his favourite pot. You have hope again, you're happy again, and you might even love again once the walls you've built have fully crumbled down. You can go through that cycle over and over again, because, you see, the other real truth of the matter is that love doesn't hurt, heartbreak does. Falling never hurts, landing does, and yet, we get up, dust ourselves off and carry forward! Regrets and mistakes will shape us up; they're lessons to learn, that's just the way it is. I've heard this too many times and I still love it: "It's better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all." Love is a beautiful thing, cherish it.

xo

A Picture...

A picture

Too often (these aren't lies)
I see a lot of girls and guys
Liking and sharing pics online
Of couples smiling in the sunshine
And the caption is along the lines
Of "Relationship goals" and I'm wondering why
A picture. 

A picture can tell a thousand words
But most times it has got nothing to say
With a billion plus selfies on Instagram 
Does that mean that's a billion priceless times? Slam
that laptop shut and look in the mirror
Because a picture captures a moment but never the clearer
Picture of the reality of the struggles and victories of the so-called happy people
And a thousand likes later one user's envious like never before
Because of a picture. 

A picture doesn't begin to tell half the story
A picture leaves enough for the imagination; it's a mystery
Because for one to know how happy, sad, excited or hurt a person really was
They'd need to have been there and seen it with their eyes
So why do we give so much power to something with a million interpretations but just one definition
Known only by the one behind the camera and whatever is in front of it
When your opinion and perception and everybody else's hate is irrelevant 
A picture. 

Pick up a magazine and take a look at the model
All "perfect skin", "perfect body", beautiful smile, when all she really needs is a cuddle
Because after that stressful photoshoot with dozens of eyes ogling her
She runs back to her room and cries out why life did this to her
Because behind the facade and the lies and the happy smiles lies a girl who's broken and in need of love
Then she sits in a puddle of her tears, her rosy cheeks glistening from the light reflection as she sends a little prayer above 
So before you place your hopes and dreams
Upon a picture depicting happiness that may not be
A series of pixels of many colours and hues
Pay attention, don't fall for the ruse
Get up and get your own happiness
Because only you can truly know how happy you are, sweet; 
That is the only selfie you can truly believe in
A picture worthy of a thousand words

Confessions of a Pear-shaped Girl

I'm exactly 21 years and 29 days old and it amuses me, as I sit here typing and reminiscing, that on my actual 21st birthday I had to stuff socks into my bra in order for my dress to fit properly and look as good as it was supposed to. How sad. Except, I'm not really sad about it anymore; I'm more amused than anything. At my age, many people still assume I'm a teenager, and that's ALWAYS a compliment for women. It's possibly because of my height (5"3') and of course, my lack of a sizable bosom. 

Many jokes have been cracked about my boobs, some which I ignored with another comeback to belittle my chest (what better way to get over a discomfort than to make fun of it?), while others hit home and had me gobsmacked for hours! (I shut myself in my room and cried for a bit, then pretended I had been taking a nap) What keeps me sane, though, is knowing that there are so many women and girls out there who are just like me! We walk into a store, see a dress (size 12), try it on and it fits our hips and bottom perfectly well! Then we avert our eyes to our torso and groan. The thing is hanging off our bodies like a baby wearing its mother's maternity clothing! We look ridiculous and it's usually bodycon dresses that fit us quite well (hence why we stuff socks in our already padded bras! Thank God for whoever invented padded bras and push-up bras! We love you!) But a girl's wardrobe can't just be full of bodycon dresses; variety is the bane of sanity for any regular indecisive woman like me. If you haven't already figured it out, I'm talking about us pear-shaped girls. There are a lot of things that do flatter us pear-shaped ladies, and I've been discovering these on a deeper level in an effort to enhance what I was blessed with. What inspired this blog post is that one day over the Christmas break, I sat down with my favourite girls to just chill and watch some awfully dull reality TV show about fashion. (I'm not a big fan of reality TV shows, except The Apprentice and the occasional episode of Mary Mary just for the drama. Everything else currently on telly right now seems too shallow for me and it actually gives me a headache or sends me to sleep. Yawn. But of course, others find them entertaining etc, good on you :) And NOTE: sometimes I DO watch reality TV but very rarely, and usually out of extreme boredom) 

Anyway, back to the main topic. On this fashion show, there was a lady, nice slim body (as expected of most models), and a chest almost as flat as mine. She was rocking a very nice dress which was open at the front. It looked very flattering on her that it inspired me to be more creative when shopping for my own clothes so that I can buy clothes that go well with my body structure. I said out loud, "Wow, I think I should invest my time, money and energy in getting clothes that really flatter my boobs," to which Someone-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named responded saying, "Honey, there's nothing flattering about your chest." Obviously, to SWSNBN it was all banter, but it kind of stung. Another person chimed in and innocently said something along these lines: "Well, at least this lady has boobs, you've got nothing. You need push up bras and padded bras to make it look decent." I was gobsmacked. Absolutely lost for words. That really hurt my feelings and so I excused myself from the room and went to cry in my bedroom. I know that comment was passed innocently and perhaps wasn't meant to be hurtful, but it was delivered so bluntly that it hit home. This got me even more determined to prove my point, that as women without lower curves (Apple-shaped and tomboy shaped women) wear peplum for the sole purpose of making an illusion of hips they haven't got, I could wear something (other than padded bras) that would make my flat chest look decent without enhancing it. It's like, if a skinny person wears baggy clothes, it's not going to flatter her at all but make her look anorexic when she probably isn't. Same as if a person who's chubby wears really tight clothes that hug all her rolls and emphasises her extra bulges, she would look even bigger than she really is. As a flat chested woman, I can't be walking around wearing certain pieces of clothing because they would pave way for people to mock me even more (yes, there are some ruthless people out there.) My point is, I want to be able to have a choice. I like variety and I like being able to handle different types of things by altering certain things - not necessarily about me, but perhaps about how I look. This is similar to my no-make-up-challenge. I wanted to allow myself to realise that I can have choice. I can choose to not wear make up today and still feel alright. I hate feeling trapped and those who know me well would know that I'm almost always ready to flee from anything that makes me feel trapped and/or "weak". 

As a pear shaped young woman, I know I can still play around with fashion as I have a wide range to choose from. I invited my friend Jasmine who's a brilliant aspiring fashion stylist and former designer/tailor to help me coordinate outfits out of my own wardrobe that flatter me and my body shape. Images to come soon! Who needs boobs, to be honest :P


Many times men make females feel inadequate if they haven't got a certain body type or feature which they deem "sexually attractive" such as a bum and boobs. Women have fought this for years (through the feminist movement, etc) and they carry on fighting daily (the likes of Dapper Laughs just keep us women on our toes and carry on destroying what some people spent years trying to build. Sigh. More on that later). 

However, women are even more guilty when it comes to tearing other women down, using confidence and self-esteem as the greatest weapon. You'd think that as women we understand the struggle of not having the perfect everything (arguably, there are some women who have what many would call "dream bodies" - flat tummy, nice round bum, a sizeable chest and toned legs. Who wouldn't want that?) But then there's always a fight amongst women of different body shapes, pointing out each other's differences and making them seem like flaws. Slim women slandering curvy women; curvy women belittling slender women (Refer to Nicki Minaj - Anaconda). We honestly should be supporting each other. But then of course I get it - in as much as we hate to admit it, we do like the attention from men (for all my heterosexuals out there), and it boosts our confidence. We as women are in competition with each other - decent men are scarce tbh, therefore what do we do? We enhance our looks in an effort to attract Mr Right. Obviously, as long as there's no ring on our finger yet, we feel vulnerable and know we can lose Mr Right any moment to that girl with the "perfect something". Then we notice she's got a flat bum and it's like our devilish horns immediately grow, claws come out and we strike. We diminish her confidence and make sure she feels so insecure that she can't be comfortable around men. So we feel like we've won, take off the horns and claws, plaster our faces with the biggest, fakest smiles ever and carry on with life. It's exhausting. It's not right, but it is happening every single day. 

Appearance does matter to us, hence we bathe thoroughly, moisturise our skin with luxurious lotions, do laundry, get hair cuts etc. The only difference is how much appearance matters to each of us as individuals. For some, it's a priority ranking high up there alongside chocolate and food. For others, it's in the middle alongside hobbies etc while for others, it's almost at the bottom of the list. Once again I'll do another disclaimer: I'm NOT saying that ALL women are competing against each other for a future partner. I'm NOT saying that ALL women belittle each other based on body shape due to insecurities. However, I AM saying that some women tend to do that and I've witnessed this myself first hand. And to emphasise a precious point, the importance of these issues to women varies from person to person as we are all different and have different tastes and different priorities.  This is my journey to self-acceptance, self-awareness and self-growth. "Who's going to love you when you can't even love yourself?" 

Food for thought...

xox